


until the sun has changed the colour of my hair

by cloudlesslysky



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Depression, Depressive Episode, Dissociation, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Misunderstandings, POV Draco Malfoy, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:41:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24390721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudlesslysky/pseuds/cloudlesslysky
Summary: Draco's life has been one big mess ever since Potter broke up with him. He doesn't want to see his friends, he's too ashamed to see his parents, and his apartment is one giant mess. He's constantly prepared for disaster, and spends his time either alone in Muggle parks or in his apartment. But one day... One beautiful day... He will forget Harry, surely.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Comments: 12
Kudos: 149
Collections: HD Wireless 2020





	until the sun has changed the colour of my hair

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to the amazing Ana for not just betaing this work but also doing a sensitivity reading and helping me nail the ending! I'm ever so grateful!
> 
> The title comes from the (translated) lyrics of Jag saknar dig mindre och mindre by Melissa Horn ([which you can find here!](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UzF-LKxbjQIzlXxq1T-BN9Gxmxd-EVw0WIm0uACJ6iI/edit))

Draco has long since learned that he is not meant for good things. Though he had a great childhood, the arrival of the war had quickly destroyed most of the joy he had in life.

But at least the war ended, and it ended well. _Especially_ in the case of Draco and his family, for whom it ended as well as it possibly could have. He's certain that things would have gone far worse for him and his father if Potter hadn't chosen to testify for Draco and his mother. He's quite certain he would be spending time in Azkaban now if not for Potter’s testimony.

He doesn't think that anyone would have expected for him and Potter to end up falling into a relationship. Many days it doesn't seem like it was ever really true. Most of the time it seems far more like a fever dream that he’s just woken up from.

Perhaps he shouldn't be surprised that things didn't end well, that they crashed and burned the way they did. But somehow, he had almost thought that they would make it, that their relationship would stand the test of time.

But it hadn't.

Draco is alone, in more ways than one. He doesn't see his friends, he doesn't really talk to his parents, and he certainly doesn't have a partner. It's not because anyone—well, except for Potter—has forsaken him, or doesn't want to see him. It's not like his parents have disowned him or anything gauche like that. No, he's well aware that they keep putting more money into his vault to ensure that he can pay his rent and survive without struggling. 

He's well aware that his parents are likely losing their minds over not being able to see him. He knows that they’re likely distraught by his distance. He wonders if they find comfort in the fact that money is still being taken out of his account. Perhaps he should send them a letter, but he's just so tired. So ashamed. He doesn't know what to say.

They’ll want to know what happened with Potter, why they broke it off, why everything went to shit. But he doesn't know how to explain it. He doesn't know why. Harry must have gotten tired of him, gotten tired of their petty arguments that we weren't really arguments at all, just minor squabbling. Draco used to enjoy them, but perhaps he was the only one.

As for his friends... He runs into them sometimes, and he just never knows what to say. He never has anything fun to bring up. He can't really talk about his life, because he doesn't really do anything. Sometimes he tries to joke or be who he used to be—a dramatic show-off—but he can tell that it falls flat. It's embarrassing to run into them, so he started going out of his way to make sure that he doesn't.

These days he only goes to Muggle parks, and sits there on the park benches just staring at nothing for so long, his body starts to ache from the uncomfortable seat. He sees parents pulling children away from him, and he wonders if he looks deranged...dangerous perhaps. Perhaps he does, even though he's trying to look as Muggle-friendly as possible. He’s not wearing expensive robes or anything. He can't bring himself to go anywhere else though, can't bear the thought of seeing someone he knows. 

He brings his notebook with him, hoping to find inspiration to write something—he used to like creating things— but no matter how long he sits there, even so long that the sun starts to go down, he has nothing but blank pages to show for it.

Potter used to make him write. There was just something about his presence that sparked creativity in Draco. It's _always_ been like that. In school, he just used to channel stupid and petty things rather than what he's done in adulthood, but the fact of it remains the same.

He wonders if things would change if Harry were to come back. Would that old spark of life return to Draco? Would he be able to stop preparing for the worst? Would he finally have something to write about again?

It's a ridiculous thing to even consider. There is simply no way that Potter will come back.

Draco is sure that he'll stop missing Potter one day. He's already started to miss him less, after all.

He's certain that the day will come when Potter is no longer even a bad memory. One day, the memory of Potter’s touch will no longer be like silk on his skin and razor blades in his heart instead, it will have faded like old ink on water-damaged pages. Washed away, smudged, illegible. No longer of any worth.

It is slow going, but at least Draco doesn't think about him constantly anymore. Thoughts of Potter are not the only things that weigh on his mind anymore, he even thinks about other people and other relationships he's had.

It's pretty clear to him that he's the problem. He's the one who's been dumped in every single relationship, so clearly, he's the one who's just not worth it. It must just be something incredibly off-putting about him that no one can stand for long.

He carries one failed relationship after another with him... But only Potter truly hurts still.

The day when he stops longing for those lovely days when Potter was around cannot come fast enough. He longs for them with a fervour that's almost startling.

Sometimes he sleeps the days away, unwilling to leave his bed for anything. It's as if there is nothing outside of his covers that's worth anything anymore.

It’s so embarrassingly pathetic he refuses to let anyone see him like this. He can’t bear to face his parents when he's this weak and pathetic creature that can't even handle the fact that his boyfriend left him. He doesn't want them to see him like this. He'll speak to them again when he's managed to pull himself back together, when he's not a complete wreck.

He knows they worry, and they deserve better than that. Especially his mother.

Sometimes it feels like Potter got all of their friends in the break-up, though Draco knows that the truth is that he just stepped back and stopped Flooing them and stopped taking their Floo calls. He doesn't want to know who they would have chosen, if Draco had made them choose by sticking around. And yet, it manages to hurt.

He's quite sure that they wouldn't stay for him. Potter has always been the one people prefer, the one who is so charismatic that he just draws people to him. At least, he's always drawn Draco to him.

So he stays away, keeps himself holed up in a tiny little room somewhere no one knows and pretends that it doesn't hurt, that he's fine, and that sooner or later everything will go back to normal. He shouldn't be surprised that no one's come looking for him, he's never been the most popular of people after all.

No, Harry Potter was always the one people flock to, the one people thought was special and good and kind and great. The Slytherins would come to Draco, of course, but that's more because they _couldn't_ go to Potter than anything else. Draco is sure of it. Who would want to be anywhere near Draco and his depressive moods and over-dramatic yelling when they could be near Potter who is just... a genuinely nice person?

Perhaps when he's in a less depressive mood, when he's less of a boring mess... Perhaps then he can meet up with his friends again and maybe even have something to talk about. Perhaps then he can somehow reclaim his life after the mess it's become.

Draco would like to blame Harry Potter for it all, but he knows that isn't entirely accurate. Not _everything_ bad that's happened to Draco is Potter's fault. Not even most of it, if Draco has to be honest with himself.

Still, Draco was doing well before Potter and his earnest ways had snuck their way into his heart, and then left him broken and despairing when Potter decided he had enough.

Potter had been so amazing. So full of life and looking forward to the future. And then he had just disappeared, and left Draco alone in the gaping maws of the past.

How is it even possible that Potter is doing so well? Shouldn't he be the one who's the most traumatised from the war, out of all of them? It’s unfair.

A better person would probably have been happy for Potter and the fact that he's doing well. Draco, however, is a bitter mess and he doesn't have it in him to be happy for someone who broke his heart. He just wants to disappear sometimes, especially when he can't get anything done as far as writing goes.

One day... One beautiful day, Potter won't even be a terrible memory, instead, Draco will have forgotten him entirely. Draco truly is looking forward to that.

But for now he'll stay alone in his apartment, writing angry letters to Potter that he never sends.

How many times has he demanded that Potter come back? That he stops being terrible and just returns joy and fun to Draco's life with his presence? How many times has Draco apologised for being such a terrible downer and the worst kind of person? How many more times will he do that until the memory of being with Potter finally fades?

All those letters, all those demands, all those apologies... Never sent. Never meant to be sent. It would simply be too much for Draco to send them at all. He cannot bend himself that far. He cannot make himself so vulnerable.

Not when Potter has already all but destroyed him.

Draco had been too clingy, too dependent, too lost in the past to be a partner of worth to Potter. He hadn't even managed to get along well with Potter's friends, and one would think that would have been the bare minimum.

He'd tried, he'd really had—even if Harry had never believed him. He'd always seemed to think that Draco was the one who had started it whenever he and Weasley got into an argument. It wasn't, it _wasn't_ always Draco. Weasley would say something rude about Draco’s parents or call Draco a ferret…

Draco shies away from that memory, unable to handle it.

Yes, sometimes Draco had been the one who started it. He's not always the most gentle of people, and Weasley has a temper and is so bloody sensitive. Harry would always demand Draco apologise, but when bloody Weasley, or one of Harry's other stupid friends, had called Draco a ferret, Potter would just laugh. As if it were funny. As if it were a joke, something Draco should've found amusing, something he should've laughed at.

Most of their actual arguments, not just the petty squabbling, had been about Draco's interactions with Harry's friends, or Harry's interactions with Draco's friends.

Even if Harry and Draco hadn't been inherently incompatible as a couple, it seems that adding their friends to the mix had made them so.

Draco supposes that it's just something he needs to accept.

  


* * *

  


He feels too tired to get out of bed, his limbs sluggish and aching... So heavy he can barely bear to lift them at all. He barely even rolls over in bed, and rather than going to the bathroom, he just casts a few spells usually used for coma patients to deal with it.

He can't be bothered.

Besides, what's the use of magic if he can't use it to just stay in bed all day? He's not hungry so he doesn't exactly need to go cook. And he hasn't had the strength or energy to clean for months at this point.

If any of the Manor house-elves saw his apartment right now, he's quite sure they would have a coronary. And then he'd be in for an absolutely excruciating scolding session for letting his apartment get so messy and filthy. And then they would take care of all of the mess, and adamantly refuse to let him do any sort of cleaning ever again. They wouldn't trust him with any sort of cleaning at all, if they saw this, which is rather embarrassing when he thinks about it.

They likely wouldn't trust him to take care of himself ever again. Of course, neither would his parents. They would fret themselves into an early grave even faster than the house-elves would.

He remains in bed, listening to the hallway clock as it ticks away the hours.

tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock

On and on and on it goes, the only sound in the apartment aside from Draco's own breathing. It's almost comforting to hear that consistent sound. To know that time actually is passing, that he’s not entirely lost inside his mind.

A sudden ringing sound breaks through the peace and quiet. The song very much resembles that of Muggle “church” bells being rung far too quickly. Draco had heard that once when he and his parents went visiting a Muggle town in Wiltshire. A dreadful noise.

It takes him an embarrassingly long time to realise that it is the sound of his Floo ringing, that someone is trying to contact him.

Draco sighs loudly and doesn't move at all. Whoever it is will get fed up soon enough and leave him alone. He doesn't even know who it might be, it's not like he's really given his Floo address to anyone.

Perhaps it's some sort of salesman, trying to sell some amazing, new magical item that will revolutionise cleaning or something. Draco doesn't really know what Floo salesmen sell. None of them would ever dare to contact Malfoy Manor with that kind of spiel, after all.

He closes his eyes and just waits for it to be over. For whoever is on the other side of the Floo to just give up. He doesn't have the energy to even bother with getting up and telling them to sod off and leave him alone.

It becomes background noise to the point that he stops even hearing it, and instead starts to slowly fall back asleep. There's no real reason for why he's so tired today, but he gets these spells occasionally.

He actually used to get them even before... Even before Potter left.

They _have_ gotten worse since, however.

He feels as if he's floating on air, his body heavy and light at the same time. But then…

“Draco?”

The voice that calls out his name makes Draco's entire body freeze and stiffen. He stops breathing and tries not to make a single sound. He recognises that voice so very clearly, but he wishes that he didn't. He wishes that it was just some stranger walking through his Floo.

Why is Potter here now?

 _How_ is Potter here now?

It doesn't make any sense. Potter shouldn't even know Draco’s Floo address, much less be capable of getting through the connection without Draco allowing him inside.

Except, he realises, it absolutely makes sense the Potter can get through. When Potter ended things, Draco immediately moved apartments. But he copied his Floo warding from his old apartment, instead of bothering to redo it on the new one. Since Harry was allowed through in the old one, and Draco didn't change anything, Harry is allowed through in the new one.

He didn't... He never thought that it would be a problem. He hasn't really given anyone his Floo address, and he has no reason to think that Potter would even come after him. He was the one who wanted to end things after all.

There's no reason for Potter to be here now. It's been months since they broke up, Draco doesn't have any of his things, and they haven't exactly been speaking. There's no reason for Potter to be here ever.

He wonders if he has himself to blame, for wondering if Potter’s return would help his creative output. He wonders if he somehow summoned Potter through all of his ridiculous longing and all the letters he wrote.

It's a ridiculous thought, as even with magic, he can't do that kind of thing. You can't just _summon_ someone. That's not really how magic works. And even if it was, the summoned person wouldn't be coming through the Floo Network.

“Draco, are you home? I just want to talk.” 

Potter is still there, in the living room, babbling about something. Why can't he just leave? Why would they talk now?

Draco just wants to forget all about him.

What's the point in dredging up the past now? Hasn't Potter moved on since long ago? He's doing so well and he's so happy after all, why would Harry want to revisit his failed relationship with Draco? It doesn't make any sense at all.

Maybe he's just here to laugh at Draco, laugh at him for being a pathetic mess?

It doesn't really sound like Potter, like the person Draco used to know... But then he probably never knew him very well after all. He just thought he did, before things ended.

“Christ, it's such a mess here.”

A flash of shame washes over Draco as he realises that Harry is in his apartment, looking at the mess that has built up over the months Draco hasn't bothered to clean.

“Draco!” Potter sounds upset as he yells. “Please tell me you haven't been robbed, or hurt.”

If Potter wasn't moving closer to Draco's bedroom, Draco probably wouldn't have heard that last bit. But he is, so Draco does.

“Draco! If you're here, please answer me!”

Draco doesn't answer, he just burrows deeper into his bed and pulls the sheets over his head. Maybe if he lies still enough, Potter won't notice him. Maybe then he will leave and let Draco be alone in his misery and his utter mess of an apartment.

However, since when has the universe cared at all for what Draco wants? 

Potter enters Draco's bedroom, and all Draco hears then is a loud sigh. Of course he's somehow disappointed Potter, that has to be what that sigh means.

“Draco, you scared me.”

Draco still doesn't answer. He doesn't want to be a part of any of this.

“Draco? Are you ill? I know you're not sleeping, you've always been a light sleeper, so I know I must have woken you up by now…” 

Is Potter just going to keep talking? Why won't he leave?

Draco feels the bed dip, and he wonders if Potter sat down on his bed. It seems like it, and that would be just like him, just taking up space wherever he wants. The covers are suddenly pulled back and Draco squints up at Potter's frowning face above him.

Before Draco can say anything, Potter's hand is on his forehead.

“Well, you don't seem to have a fever…”

“I'm not sick,” Draco sneers. “And the only breaking-and-entering that's happened in this apartment is you showing up now.” 

The effect is, unfortunately, ruined by how croaky his voice is. He supposes he shouldn't be surprised, he doesn't talk much these days. But it's still rather unfortunate. 

It's likely best for Draco to assuage Potter's worries before he even voices them directly to Draco. The sooner he can get Potter out of his apartment, the better.

“Everything's such a mess... You never tolerated mess before, what's going on? You're really worrying me.”

“I just haven't felt like cleaning, not that it's any of your business. What are you even doing here? Go away, I don't want you here.”

Potter looks sad, and who gave him the right? How dare he come in here and turn everything upside down again? Why is he showing up now? It's been months since he broke up with Draco, so why is he coming here and worrying now? It's not like they’ve seen each other or talked at all. Or even sent letters.

“I ran into Parkinson, and she mentioned that she hasn't seen you around for months. That none of your friends have. I got worried.”

“Who are you to worry about me? What I do or don't do is none of your business.” 

Draco feels like a petulant child, but it's the truth. Potter decided that Draco wasn't any of his business anymore, so he shouldn't be here and trying to make it his business.

“I... I’ve missed you.” 

Potter's voice is low, feeble. It's as if he knows how little that matters, how little it means.

A few months earlier, and it would have been everything Draco could have ever wished for. But it's too late now. He just wants to not miss Potter anymore, he wants to forget about anything they ever were together. It's just better that way.

He doesn't think he can survive it a second time.

“How did you find me? It's not like you should have my Floo address at all... Did you go snooping in the Ministry records? Did you break the law?”

Draco is not going to reply to what Harry said about missing him. He doesn't believe it and he's not going to entertain it. It's not worth the almost certain pain that will come with it.

“I got it from your parents.”

Draco freezes in place. He can't breathe. That can't be true. Potter has to be lying. There's no way Draco's parents would betray him like that. He refuses to believe that they would betray him, that they would give up his Floo address to the ex who dumped him.

“You're lying.”

Draco closes his eyes. He refuses to look at Potter any longer. He barely had any interest in talking to him in the first place, and he's definitely not going to keep talking to him now that he's lying.

“Your parents are worried about you. They've had a house-elf check up on you, to make sure that you are alive and well... but they can't get through your Floo themselves, so when the house-elf reported back something that worried them... I suppose they were willing to give me the Floo address in hopes that I could get through.” 

Potter clears his throat.

“Well, congratulations,” Draco mutters bitterly, “I forgot to change my Floo settings when I moved.”

“Oh… You forgot? I… I hoped…” Potter trails off.

“Hoped what? That I was still hopelessly pining for you and waiting desperately for the day you deigned to call on me? Hoped that I had nothing better to do than sit around and hope the guy who dumped me would change his mind?” 

It’s true that that's what Draco _has_ been doing these past months, but he’s not going to admit that. Not even if Potter put him under the Cruciatus Curse would he admit that!

Potter sighs.

“I thought… Your moods were getting worse.” There’s a scratching sound, as if Potter is dragging his nails against those terrible Muggle trousers he always insisted on wearing. “You seemed less and less happy, more and more lethargic… And it was always worse after you’d seen my friends, or I’d seen yours. And we fought and got into silly and petty arguments so often.”

Draco just sighs, and lets Potter get on with it. He'll probably get bored of talking and go home sooner or later. Draco really isn't interested in hearing about how terrible his moods had been and about what bad company he'd been. That's probably where Potter is going with this.

He probably just wants to explain why Draco had been such a terrible boyfriend and why Potter had broken up with him in the first place. Merlin forbid Potter feels guilty or like the bad guy.

“I thought I was making it worse, and I thought it would be better for both of us to be apart. I figured it would be better to have a clean break than a messy one down the road when everything would hurt more. I didn't think…”

“You never think.” Draco sneers. “Didn't even consider asking me, did you? Didn't even consider talking about it. You just made up your mind and went with it, as always.”

There's a silence after that, as if Potter is thinking over what Draco said.

“I wish I had asked. I didn't realise that... that it might be something like depression, not until I talked to my therapist about it later. In part, anyway. Some of it was just me being a shitty boyfriend, according to Parkinson at least.”

Depression? Draco doesn't have depression. That's absurd.

So what if he doesn't really care about anything that he loved Before? So what if he hasn't managed to have any sort of joy in his life recently? That's just because of Potter, because he broke up with Draco.

It's not depression.

It’s not.

“Draco…”

He would know if he's depressed. He would know that better than anyone else, wouldn't he? Who's Potter, coming here and saying that Draco is depressed and not just sad about their break-up…

Draco doesn't want to be depressed.

If he's depressed, if he has depression, then he needs to go and do something about that. He needs to do something besides lying in bed and ignoring the clutter and mess in his apartment... if he's depressed, then he needs to actually get help.

“You broke up with me because you think I have depression?” Draco's voice sounds small, and hurt. 

It's still kind of the only thing that makes sense here. Potter is the one who came here and started talking about how he misses Draco, and how he'd noticed that Draco was getting worse and he'd broken up with Draco because of that, and he’s here saying that he thinks Draco probably has depression. So clearly that means he broke up with Draco because he'd thought Draco had depression.

“No! I didn't think you had depression at the time! I just thought I was making you miserable! You never wanted to talk about your feelings when I asked, and towards the end I felt like I only ever upset you. I didn’t think… Not back _then_.” Potter sounds genuinely horrified.

“But you think that I have depression now?”

“It seems like it, but obviously I don't know for sure. But all of your friends and your family are worried about you, and I'm worried about you too. I understand if you don't want to forgive me, but I think you need to at least talk to someone about the break-up if you're... if you're still upset about it. And that's why you're not... not leaving the house.”

Draco isn't depressed. That's not what is happening here. But he does know that his parents are worried, that his friends probably think he's being weird and embarrassing. Maybe they're worrying too.

And maybe he has wallowed too long over this stupid break-up.

Maybe he should go talk to someone just... just for his parents' peace of mind. That would be kind of him, wouldn't it?

On the topic of forgiving Potter, however... well. Draco will leave that for now. Maybe he should have been more receptive to talking about his feelings back then, but he’d just been a bit down on occasion! There was nothing to talk about! He’d just wanted Potter to stop prying, not break up with him.

Maybe after he talks to someone about it, he'll feel more charitable. Or at the very least less raw and aching inside.

There is somewhere he should start first.

“I'll go talk to my parents.”

The way Potter lights up at Draco's words is a little disturbing. It doesn't really make sense to Draco he looks so happy about it, but whatever. It's no skin off Draco's back.

He still feels so tired though. The thought of actually getting out of bed is suddenly extremely daunting, even though he's decided to do it. And if he gets out of bed, then he will need to look at the mess in his apartment.

He sighs and curls in on himself instead. Maybe if he just sleeps for a few hours, he can do it after that? That would be fine, right?

“I'll grab some clothes for you from the... from your closet.” Potter says, his voice choked and unnatural.

Draco sighs again as he realizes that Potter's presence means that he's not getting any more sleep. Potter is going to make him get up immediately. He always was one of those annoying “no time like the present” people.

Still, Draco thinks, as Potter bustles around the room cursing up a blue streak every time he hits his foot on something, maybe things are getting a bit better. Maybe Potter _is_ stirring things up a bit, everything seems less muted and dull… even Draco’s emotions.

And maybe…

No, Draco is not even going to think about it. It's too soon. He hasn't even talked to his parents. He shouldn't be thinking about maybe forgiving and suggesting that he and Harry give it another go.

But who knows?

Who knows what the future will bring?

Maybe he'll even stop being constantly prepared for disaster.

**Author's Note:**

> 🎵 This work is part of H/D Wireless, a song inspired, anon, Drarry fest with its home on tumblr! 
> 
> If you enjoyed this, shower our content creators with all the love you have to give by leaving kudos ❤️ and comments 💌 on their work!
> 
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